It happens that narcissists take a beautiful, kind, generous and loving partner and destroy their sense of self and leave them feeling worthless. I couldn’t figure out how they get us to miss them, but then it clicked.
In the beginning, we are perfect, and they present a false self that is everything we ever wanted. They shower us with affection, we are the same person, they are our soulmate.
They get tired of pretending eventually and show themselves. Not understanding what is happening, we speak up. This is when they turn it on us. We are hurting our relationship, ruining the perfect future they promised us.
This continues. They act out and we speak up and are met with anger and the blame is shifted to us. We are the problem. They continue this until they say that all we do is complain and criticize, we are ruining the relationship.
We start to doubt ourselves. We have been complaining a lot, we do make them mad, they used to love us before, we must be doing something wrong.
Once we begin to apologize, and take the blame, they treat us with disdain and disgust. We are the bad guys, and they treat us as such.
We doubt ourselves, feel like we made the mess we are in, and we try hard to fix it. We want to make them happy again, we want to erase everything we did to push them away. We keep quiet and try harder to please them.
We seek their approval. When we are good, they tell us that we are beautiful and perfect. When we are bad, and mention their behavior, we are punished. We work hard to make them happy and our survival depends on their opinion of us.
Some of us get sick of it and break up with them. So they send the perfect soulmate in to smooth things over. They’re back! We are so relieved that the person we fell in love with is still in there that we stay and give it another chance.
And the cycle starts over and repeats until one day we can’t take it anymore. The once beautiful, kind, loving person that we were only exists when we are good and we get rewarded. When we are bad, we are monsters who deserve to be punished. We no longer have a sense of self because they convince us falsely that who we are depends on how they see us.
When we finally do leave, we are making them so unhappy that we punish ourselves. We leave, not as the beautiful person we came in as, but as the ugly one they told us we were.
We feel broken and unsure of ourselves. We ruined the relationship with our soul mate, we must be the monster. Without the narcissist in our lives to tell us we are good, we feel bad. We seek approval from others because we no longer trust ourselves.
We are alone, and they have moved on, happy with a new supply, their real soulmate. We are a disappointment, self-loathing and depressed. We either jump right into bed with another narcissist (the only ones who can give that soulmate feeling from day one), or we are scared to move on for fear of what we have become.
We miss them because they have convinced us that their opinion of us matters more than our own. Our self-worth is based on their words, not our own.
If I’m right about this, all we have to do to get over them is make our opinion of ourselves the important one. Toss out anything they told us, tricked us into believing. We are still the perfect person we once were, and we don’t need them to tell us. This is self-care, self-love, and the reinstatement of our own self-worth. We were always good enough, narcissists are liars.